Blech

Hello... it has been a few days since I've posted. It has been exhausting lately and I've just not had the energy to type all this mess. It is difficult in a cat world to have humans running around in my house. These are the sneezingist most people I have ever been around. Not dainty cute sneezes, blow your eardrums kind of sneeze.

The man, I think he knows I'm using my secret weapon as it makes him sneeze... I laugh at the man when he sneezes. So many times I will just open an eye and look at the culprit of waking my beauty sleep...and then I dream about walking across his chest while he sleeps... gently, oh so gently I will rub my tail right across his nose. Oh how he hates it... I laugh so hard I have to run in the other room so I won't get caught. I've been leaving special surprizes for the man. I know it hates it when I leave a surprize so I think my plan of making in run for the mountains may work. I have a bit of indegestion and I ... how shall I say it.... well.... I don't know any nice way to say this but.... I barf up a hairball.... it is the most grotesque display of barfing but it leave a big poop looking log of hair in very special places. Oh the laugh I get to see one of the humans step in it.. they get especially cold when they have sat out over night and the humans are waking up and walking into the other room and wham bam... foot right in the barf ball... oh I laugh... and laugh... and laugh

OMG I can't quit laughing.... Oh... that is funny... I have to go... I may dribble from all of this laughing...

Later!

The visit....

Word was out, the grandparents were coming town... they are cat-nazi's.. I learned this a long time ago, back in 1998, before Flash or Nosey, I came to this place and had to stay with the 'grandparents'. They complained about my fur and how 'sneaky' I am... the man placed me in a holding cell... the people litter box.. he came in the room and announced he was dropping something off in the ocean and I thought I was going to hurl from the stentch from the old man's butt... not to mention I viewed his.. OMG I saw his.... oh you know... his 'thingy'...... the tried to pet me on the head, I couldn't help myself.... my reaction was show him my fangs and give a warning hiss.... he chose to ignore and I chose the next action would be my final word... I bite the crap out of him... Oh I laugh at the face of the old man and his scream... like a little girl he screamed... I laugh in the face of a retired sherriff person .... he learned his lesson.. and I earned respect... we chose not to share the same room and I no longer have to endure his litter box follies.

I spoke with Flash and Nosey to let them know I would be running the scenes from behind the scenes. Nosey did his job very well... he ran up and untied grandpa's shoes... and then he began the assault on his head, it is his duty to rid the man of the rest of his hair and lick it all off. The assault on the grandma made me laugh... I laugh in the face of the wanting to be a tough old bird.... she threatened a kick to nosey... I laugh at the thought of her trying to get her slow moving feeble little feet up fast enough... Nosey is trained to trip and his catlick stealth movements would have thrown poor grandma to the floor yelling uncle.

The cat hair assault was wonderful, Nosey and Flash rubbed as much on them as possible.... ahhh to make humans sneeze! I laugh at grandparents sneezing.... HA!

As soon as they left, I came out of hiding and we debriefed in the other room.. .all is well and I didn't have to laugh in their face.

Good night... I'm sleepy.

With my love
C

Conspiracy Theory Tuesday 9/12

It has been a fabulous sun bathing day. I've been sitting in my favorite sun spot for most of the day, relaxing and thinking. I do have to tell someone how naughty I was today, I have laughed about it several times today just thinking of how funny I am.

My day starts very early with those crazy birds making such a racket, flapping and singing out of tune. The boy 'H' wakes up before everyone, I watch him closely as I think he is a spy for Flash... anyway the boy was awake, S was in the kitchen making her morning coffee... oh dear how I love the smell of breakfast.... so it was maybe an hour or so after everyone left for school and work... The man 'M' stays here, he stays in the bed and I listen for activity under the door. Nosey had snuck into my sun spot... how dare him, he dare bask in my sunshine that is all for me and only me... me... me... me! I don't want the little twit to know that he has ticked me off... I turn around with my tail in the air as though I had just walked into the room for no reason.. but I did indeed have a reason.. to sleep in the sun. I went and sat on one of the chairs and I watched him, he rolled around in the sun like some retarded sun bather and I watched. Oh and his little eyes were closing as the glare of the sun was too bright for him.. I waited until the time was right... just right.. just a little more time and he would be fast asleep and I would make my move... at the moment I knew he was in dreamland I made the most amazing leap from chair to cat with my catlike reflexes... I pounced.. he didn't know what hit him.... he ran off sideways with his tail all puffed out... I laugh in the face of a cat in my sun spot.

What a fantastic day it has turned out to be... oh dear.... I must clean myself...

C

My Conspiracy Theory 9/11/06

Today is not such a good day, my food bowl is empty and I'm not laughing. I fell asleep while cleaning my tail today, I couldn't have been sleeping for long when I woke up to the birds flapping around like idiots... I decided that since I was awake I might have a bite to eat... I walked into my private dining room and to my dismay my food bowl was empty. Both Nosey and Flash were missing and I know that one of them decided to eat my food. I laugh in the face of a cat that believes he can eat my food and get away with it. I am so mad I just want to scratch their eyes out. Why did they do this to me? Why would they eat all of my food. The TWITS! I have come up with a plan of attack for later, my plan is pure genious... I laugh to myself at how smart I am... I can not share my attack just in case one of the twits find my blog. I assure you I will let you know how it all turned out later. We will all laugh in the face of the twits!

I'm going to go headbutt S until she feeds me another can of kibble.

Until our paths cross again.. your darling C.

My Conspiracy Theory - Notascaredcat 2

I told you about my humans last night, today I will tell you about the others that live with me.

Flash: After several years of being the only feline in the house my humans believe they had a great idea to get another cat.... they did not consult me on this issue, if they had done so I would not have allowed it to happen but in a way I am glad they did. The first time I met Flash I was 6 human years and he was 8 weeks. My woman brought this crazy little animal into the room and insisted I sniff him. We had tried this before with another kitten and after I would have nothing to do with the kitten my human took the kitten away, I would try this again. Flash thought I was the enemy and started jumping up and down, his back all arched and his little teeth showing. I laugh in the face of a kitten. I am alpha male, I am number one and all must worship me. Flash soon realized that I was the boss and he submitted to me, or did he. After many years, we have grown quiet fond of each other, we have a respect and don't get in one anothers business. Flash has a metabolism problem, he is 'big boned' and I've heard my woman say he is 27 lbs. My friend isn't as fast as he once was but we are brothers of the soul . He is the best 'hunter' in the house and he protects us from all things that fly and crawl, he is my number one security force. I laugh in the face of any creature that tries to pass Flash.....

Nosey: The maniac, this little twit came along about 5 years ago. Flash and I were in complete disgust the first time this bundle of fur showed up. My human wouldn't put him down and held him in her lap, my plan of attack would be slow but thorough. We all soon found out that this little bundle of fur was very sick and it looked as if he wouldn't be any type of issue for us, his pesky little germs invaded Flash and myself and soon we were all sick. My woman is like an angel, she held us all and gave us horrible pills that I was convinced some type of military tracking device but we did start feeling better. Flash never forgave the new kitten for the illness and to this day Flash and Nosey still have a disdain for eachother. We have found Nosey is a great decoy and we send him in whenever someone comes into the house to check out the situation. Nosey has a personality of a small child and it is hard to resist his charm, Flash is the only one that can resist him.


Skit: The man brought home a bird about 3 1/2 years ago. Birds don't sleep as much as cats do and believe the noise they are making is pleasing to the ears no matter the time of day or night. My woman tried locking us cats away so she could spend time with the bird. I am disgusted by her unfaithfulness and I will trick her into thinking the bird doesn't bother me. Lucky for the bird that he lives behind bars. I don't know what he did to earn life behind bars but it is his only saving grace, as I laugh in the face of a bird. I dream about how he would taste, this is one of my favorite dreams.

LeStat: Isn't that the name of a vampire? This is another bird that the man brought home. He is trying to make my human love him more then me, he is mistaken as this new birds hates my woman. I laugh in the face of the bird not liking my woman. He bites her ruthlessly and for this he will be the first one I eat once I break into his prison cell. No one is allowed to hurt my woman, I plan his demise daily and it will be a wonderful day when he is gone. His singing annoys me but it keeps my mind fresh as to my hatred of him.

These are the other animals that live with me. I have ridded us of 3 dogs and 2 other cats and one rabbit... I liked the fish... they made me laugh.

Alpha Male = Cassanova
Security Force = Flash
Decoy = Nosey

I must nap now, I am exhausted, I've been up for about an hour and must rest my eyes.

C

Not a Scaredcat 1

In human years I am 13, I have big green eyes and a lush brown and black coat, I'm single, my name is appropriately Cassanova. I let the humans move in with me when I was about 6 months old, the woman was the first to fall under my spell. It was very easy to manipulate her into feeding me. I had been guarding a building of some birds that had moved into the neighborhood when she first saw me. I knew I had her at Meow. She tried to feed me some type of food out of a bag, I laughed at her. She brought out some type of cheese product, I am lactose intolerant, finally she brought me some meat, as I am a carnivore. The moment she touched my lush fur, she was hooked. I tested her by running between her legs, I wanted to know if she fell easily, I can't have a clumsy human.. she passed the test. I played hard to get for the first couple of days, this is a great trick to play on humans, they are stupid and will continue to try feeding you..... I happen to love food and I play the game well. In the beginning it was only my beautiful new human a miniture version of her and the man (I laugh in the face of the man!). Our life together was turning out to be almost like a fairy tale. I had noticed that my woman was getting larger in her mid section, I figured she liked to eat and had assumed she was gorging on some type of meat to get so large and then she sent me away. I had no idea that the ride was to some insane humans home, she deceived me, she lead me to believe I was her one and only, only to have her dump me off with that evil human. The next time I saw her I noticed that she must have been suffering from an eating disorder as her stomach was no longer sticking out and to my dismay she allowed another human to move in, it was very small and made a lot of noise. I won't tell about the evil man, as it is too hurtful for me to delve into the past, he was the scum of the earth and I laugh in the face of his torture. The mini human did not seem to have any type of schedule and would make noise at all of the wrong times. The woman called the little human a baby but I think he was working for some organization that tries to rid homes of sleep. He smelled insanely horrible at times. He had not figured out how to use the human litter box and had a terrible habit of sitting in his smell... what a wretched thing to make such a smell and racket. The little human started growing and learned to walk on all fours like me. The baby smelled of milk, I like the smell of milk but if you get to close to a baby they want to touch you with their sticky little paws. The mini girl human was wrapped around my paw too. She would hold me and rub my head, it was lucky for me that she was short, as she carried me around by the neck with my feet dragging the floor... just a little nip with the teeth and she would run off making horrible noise but would leave me to my sleep.

The man, oh the man human, I laugh at the thought of him. I see him look at my woman, he desires her and I laugh at him, he doesn't know that I am her true love. When he comes in the room his jealousy is obvious, that is why he wants me to leave the room. He is jealous of my beauty, my animal magnetism and my gracefulness. My woman shows him attention, but I think it is to throw him off as to how I am her love. The man is no match for me, I can take him. I have it planned out, one day as he is coming down the stairs I will finally trip him and he will fall, any my woman will no longer share her feelings with another. I laugh at the danger.

I could go on for hours and hours about me but I am feeling a nap coming on. I will tell you more wonderful stories. If you have any questions for me, just post them and I will try to answer you as soon as I can. I am a wonderful advise giver.

Until we meet again....

Darling C.